jokes and random funny stuff

[JCO]

There once was an old lady from Kent
Whose nose was very badly bent
she followed it one day, so they say
and she hasn't been seen since.

There are a lot of people she should have taken with her....I know, I know...but I just couldn't help myself...besides...I didn't start it....Stucco did...I'm innocent I tell ya...innocent..!

[stucco]

[stucco]

[stucco]

[stucco]

https://www.americanchia.com/flare/next?rtag=chiaobama& just in case anyone needs a last minute Christmas present idea.

[davidstcldfl]

The Minnesota Song
This is a humorous country fable about escaping Minnesota winters.
Written and performed by Dan Adler.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62RwHHFuf14


I moved to FL 25 years ago, to get away from that crap. If you like living in it.....the only thing I can think to say, is the same thing the father in "That 70's Show" always called his son....

Now, it's getting too cold in FL... ...but this video makes me feel better when I watch it on a cold day.. :P

[head rush]

Okay... i'm in for one.... btw... today's my 50th

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
And every year Morris would say,
‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’
Esther always replied,
‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars’
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
‘Esther, I’m 85 years old.
If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’
To this, Esther replied,
‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.
I’m impressed!’
Morris replied,
‘Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

[davidstcldfl]

....good one headrush.

--------------------------------------

I’ve just heard from my friend Ole in central Minnesota.

He says it has been snowing heavily for three days now.

His wife Lena, has done nothing but stare through the window.

He says if it doesn't stop snowing soon, he’ll probably have to let her in.

[head rush]

That was so funny davidstcldfl my ribs hurt... Just love those curve balls......

The Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?’ ‘Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soakin the bath tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs give him the good news and apologise. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN – DON’T YOU EVER STOP?

[stucco]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought, as he flew down I-75 pushing the pedal even more. But looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper's car behind him, blue and red lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 120. Suddenly he thought, what am I doing? I'm too old for this and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes, plus today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I have never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused and then answered. 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, sir;' replied the trooper.