jokes and random funny stuff

[eddiemigue]

You do know I'm Irish .... right? Then stop telling all our family secrets in public..

I thought you were a"natural born American" - sorry, couldn't help myself. Thought that was amusing, but don't want to derail the joke thread. There have been some gems posted. Thanks for all the laughs all.

[JCO]

Yep, born in Missouri to Irish and Cherokee parents, however, and not being racist but if every black person in America can somehow be an African, then I can be Irish if I want to.

[Aloha Don]

A married couple went to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new hightech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father, without the need for any physical connection. He asked if they were interested, both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

...When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

[JCO]

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom.

The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy:
TEACHER : Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY : Yes.

TEACHER : Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY : Yes.

TEACHER : Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY : Okay. (He returned a minute later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER : Did you see God?

TOMMY : No.

TEACHER : That's my point.
We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy :
LITTLE GIRL : Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY : Yes.

LITTLE GIRL : Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY : Yesssssssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).

LITTLE GIRL : Did you see the sky?

TOMMY : Yessssssssss.

LITTLE GIRL : Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY : Yes.

LITTLE GIRL : Do you see her brain?

TOMMY : No.

LITTLE GIRL : Then, according to what we were taught in school today...
she must not have one!!

[bsfman]

Why I am Divorced.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...... well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my attractive boss, Stephanie, said,
'Good Morning!
and by the way
Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Stephanie knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me....'

I said, 'Thanks, Stephanie,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Stephanie said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day...
we don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her house,
Stephanie turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ....
followed by my wife
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....


On the couch......




Naked.

[dead_sled]

Ouch!

[Aloha Don]

How could you explain your way out of that one....

[bsfman]

How could you explain your way out of that one....

I doubt that saying he was just trying to "get in good" with the boss would work.

[eddiemigue]

Bsfman, thanks for the laugh. That was excellent. Love the pauses in writing to get the timing right. Nicely done.

[JCO]

There was a single mom with two little boys and she was determined to raise them up as respectable children. The oldest was Johnny who was in the 4th grade and the younger son was Timmy who was in the 2nd.

Johnny fell in with a group of nair-do-wells at school who were always in trouble and used vulgar language continuously.

Naturally Johnny instantly picked up the foul language in order to fit in with his new friends and that landed him in trouble with the teachers who started sending notes home to his mother about his vulgar language in class.

His mother tried talking to Johnny about the problem for about 2 weeks and finally one afternoon he brought home another note from a teacher complaining about his vulgar language.

This was the straw that broke the Camels back and Johnny's mother took him in the bathroom and read him the teacher's note. She then told him that the very next time she heard a vulgar word come out of his mouth there would be the piper to pay.

Next morning Johnny and his little brother came to the table for breakfast and the mother looked at Johnny and asked "What would you like for breakfast this morning Johnny?"

Johnny's quick reply was "I'd like some Fu*kin' Cornflakes!"

Johnny had barely gotten those words out of his mouth when his Mother's backhand caught him up the side of his head and "BAM", he went clean away from the table and up against the wall.

Without so much as a second look at Johnny, the mother turned to Timmy and asked, "What would you like for breakfast Timmy?"

Timmy looked at his mother and then glanced over at his brother who was still trying to figure out what had just happened and then he looked back at his mother.

With a somewhat confused and strained looked on his face Timmy said,

"Well......


I hadn't really thought tooooooo much about it yet....


buuuht.....



I sure as hell don't want no Fu*kin' Cornflakes!"