jokes and random funny stuff

[davidstcldfl]

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

[Aloha Don]

Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.

[bsfman]

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[15mules]

A little girl was sitting in her seat on an airplane, reading her book. The man next to her ask if she would like to talk? The little girl looks over and says, "Ok, what would you like to talk about?". The man smiles and says, "Well, you see I am an atheist! lets talk about why there is no such thing as heaven or hell and no such thing as God". The little girl says, "Ok, but can I ask you a question first?". Sure the man says. "Ok, well, deer, cows and horses all eat the same thing, grass!, so why do deer poop little pellets, and cows poop solid piles, and horses poop clumps?" The man pauses for a minute, surprised by her question and then he says, "I really do not know". To which the little girl replied "Do you really think you are qualified to talk about such things as whether there is a heaven or hell, or if God really exist, when you obviously don't know sh*t?" The little girl then went back to reading her book.

[JCO]

Speaking of Sh*t....How many of you actually know "Sh*t from Shinola"?

[15mules]

Ok, We been having an interesting conversation about Duckweed in one of the other forums and it reminded me of a joke I once heard.

The old farmer was out tending his cattle one day, when a traveling salesman pulled up in his horse and buggy. He called to the farmer and proceeded to tell him he had some revolutionary information that would benefit him greatly. He said for only $5.00 he would sell him his special recipe for how to feed cheap sawdust to cattle and they would stay healthy and fat. The farmer having dealt with salesmen before was a little suspicious, but he was interested none the less. The farmer said, "I see your horse there is slobbering all over his bit and bridle, I could tell you how to stop that". This got the salesman's attention, so the salesman said, "I tell you what, you tell me how to keep my horse from slobbering and I will trade you strait up for my sawdust feed recipe". They stuck a deal, but neither having trust in the other agreed they would both write the information on paper and exchange papers. They traded papers, shook hands and went their separate ways.
The farmer walked back to his house and opened his paper which said " mix sawdust with corn, the more corn the better"
The salesman got out of site of the farmers house and stopped to read his paper which said "Teach him to spit"

[JCO]

What's that got to do with "Shinola" If none of you out there know what it is, that would lead me to believe you also don't know "Sh*t"?

[15mules]

The problem is it does not work too good on todays multi-colored tennis shoes. The fact is either one would probably an improvement, with what I see kids wearing today.

[Roger L.]

All us old guys made our allowance, all $.25 of it fixing up the Sunday got to church shoes for all the family.

[Roger L.]

A man and his wife are laying in bed watching "Do you want to be a Millionaire" when the man rolls over to the wife and ask - do you want to have sex?

Without so much as a look in his direction she replies - no!

In keeping with the shows theme he asks his wife - is that your final answer?

Her response is a firm and irritated - yes!

Feeling ignored the husband, again staying with the theme of the show, says - then can I phone a friend?

That's when the fight started!