jokes and random funny stuff

[Roger R.]

A liberal a moderate and a conservative walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Mitt".

Equal time?

A communist, a Muslim and an illegal alien walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘What will it be President Obama?’”

But jokes are funnier when they are true, not just the products of someone's fevered imagination.

Or if they are so wild that you know they can't be true.

[David - WI]

I was in a tavern the other night and there were two heavy-set women with very strong accents sitting at the table next to me; so I started up a conversation.

I said, "Excuse me, but are you two ladies from London by any chance?"

One of them became extremely irate and shrieked, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

I immediately apologized and restated my question - "I'm very sorry, are you two whales from London by any chance?"

That's the last thing I remember.

[bsfman]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[urbanfarmer]

BOOM! NOW THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!

[Basil1]

Seamus and Micky are walking thru the forest when they see a sign, TREE FELLERS WANTED. Seamus turns to Micky and says, "it's too bad Paddy wasn't wit us, we could a ha' that job.

[davidstcldfl]

.. ...Basil, I had to think about that one for a few moments...

[Basil1]

McGuire dashes into the local pub out of breath and hollers to the barkeeper, "Quick, set me up with five shots of Jameson!"
The barkeeper hurries and sets down five shots in front of McGuire.
McGuire quickly downs one, two, three and four when the bar guy says, "Hey lad, you shouldn't fire those down so fast. That's good sippin' whiskey!"
McGuire replies back, "You'd down them just as fast if you had what I have!"
"My God man, what is it you have?"
McGuire, quickly downing the fifth shot, says, "45 cents."

[davidstcldfl]

[Basil1]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-feed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma',
But I'm glad I came.

[bsfman]

An old, blind biker wanders into an all-girl bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair that you should know five things about this bar:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a black-belt.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 180-pound blonde woman with PMS.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde body-builder, jacked up on steroids.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, dude. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind biker thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times..