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davidstcldfl
06-22-2010, 02:45 AM
The Half-wit
A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher.

:lol:

JCO
06-22-2010, 10:26 AM
Da'...Which way did he go George....Which way did he go? OOOohhh Boy...I'm gonna' have a good time...yes I am...

I use to love cartoons...REAL ONES..THAT IS.. :lol: :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:

stucco
06-22-2010, 06:26 PM
Government Authority
A rather cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer in New Hampshire.
He told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm.” The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t go in that field right over yonder.”
The DoA representative said, “Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”
The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the DoA Rep running for his life. Close behind was the farmer’s prize bull, a huge animal with enormous horns. The bull was gaining on the government Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out:
“Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!”

badflash
06-22-2010, 07:42 PM
When I first went to my mentor for training, he told me about how to make a million dollars in fish farming,.... Start with 2 million.

davidstcldfl
06-23-2010, 03:30 AM
:lol:

stucco
06-23-2010, 05:49 AM
Hey maybe one of the mods can turn this into a joke/funny pictures thread?

JCO
06-23-2010, 05:54 AM
That's what the SUMP is for among other things:shock: :o :lol: :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:

stucco
06-23-2010, 05:58 AM
This is the place for jokes, funny pictures and random humor. If you are easily offended you might want to cover your eyes.

JCO
06-23-2010, 08:52 AM
AWWwww come on Stucco...you aren't really going to post that graphic display of .... here, are you.... :shock: :o :lol: :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:

stucco
06-23-2010, 09:19 AM
:?

JCO
06-23-2010, 09:32 AM
I should have known..you have no shame.....a Taurus....of all the nerve...awww... nice potted plant to.. :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:

stucco
06-23-2010, 03:26 PM
:? :shock: :? 8-)

badflash
06-23-2010, 07:35 PM
A mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Get out! We don't serve your kind here!"
The mushroom asks "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

You might have to say the punch line out loud.... :P

badflash
06-23-2010, 07:37 PM
An atom walks into a bar and asks "I've lost an electron, have you seen him?"
The bar tender asks "Are you sure?"
Replies the atom "I'm positive!"

JCO
06-24-2010, 04:51 AM
Wow...way over my head... :mrgreen:

stucco
06-24-2010, 05:01 PM
:?

stucco
06-25-2010, 04:03 AM
:mrgreen: nature laughs last.

JCO
06-25-2010, 04:39 AM
So what is that swarm suppose to be? Looks like the way I use to see Black birds flocking and traveling South for the winter when I was a kid in Southeast Missouri. Been a long time since I've even thought about that, but they would whorl and swhorl just like a school of fish and there would be thousands of them and it would sometimes take them 5 to 10 minutes to fly over before the stragglers would be gone. Quite a site to see for a young farm boy the first time I saw it. :mrgreen:

stucco
06-25-2010, 08:50 AM
So what is that swarm suppose to be?
They are giving the bird sign.

JCO
06-25-2010, 09:51 AM
Leave it to you :lol: :lol:

Bird, Bird, Bird...Ba..Bird is the WORD :lol: :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:

stucco
06-26-2010, 06:38 PM
:mrgreen:

wolfracer
06-26-2010, 07:26 PM
LoL

stucco
07-07-2010, 06:01 PM
:roll:

wolfracer
07-07-2010, 06:51 PM
This is why I feel bad for the way our country is heading. Patriotism seems to be a negative term anymore.

JCO
07-08-2010, 05:01 AM
The American People have no one to blame but themselves...the younger generations were never taught (and still aren't) anything about Patriotism, what it means, how it show it and why it is important to America. :(

This is a foot note added by me to clarify the statement above. When I speak of the younger generation not being taught the meaning of Patriotism, I am not referring to those gallant young men and women who serve in our Military or go on to further their education or get a job to support their selves and become responsible Americans. I am referring to those who walk the streets with their pants down below their ASS and others like them, young and old, with the same attitude living off the welfare of others. You and I know who they are and so do they.

Additionally, the dilution of the Natural Born American population by aliens (Blacks, Hispanics, Asians and Muslims especially) who care nothing about America other than what they can take from it has further eroded the True American Way Of Life. :(

These usurpers don't want to be Americans...they want the free stuff our government hands out so freely, like candy to children (to everyone except Americans) and then the Government allows them be able to live in their own little communities where they have re-created their own culture and maintain their own language...never intending to learn the English language or anything else that is American. Instead the Government is forcing us to learn their language...now it's Spanish, next it will be Chinese, Japanese or Arabic...there will be no end to it unless we put a stop to it ourselves (We The People....True Americans). :twisted:

Now that they are here, their votes at election time are supporting the very same people who allowed them to come here in the first place to be supported by the American Tax Payer, thus it is a self-generating system which is actually destroying America from the inside without ever firing a shot. :(

It has been said many times by many leaders of other countries who would like to see the Fall of America that it would come about from the inside rather than through War on American Soil.

I may be getting along in years, but myself, I'M READY TO FIGHT...and NOW.. :twisted: :evil: !

badflash
07-08-2010, 05:06 AM
That may be true in part, but certainly not for my family. My son is in the Arkansas National Guard and served a year in Iraq. He's probably going to Afganistan next year. He knows a little about patriotism.

The military is loaded with patriotic folks, and when they come home they become the backbone of our country.

We currently have a president and attourney general that don't care about the law or the constitution. If you are a partiot, November is your chance to send a bunch of incumbents packing and start to turn this tide.

JCO
07-08-2010, 05:33 AM
Wasn't pointing a finger at you and yours Badflash or anyone individual...but at those that allow our schools to become a place that teaches homosexuality to the young children, doesn't allow prayer or Christmas parties...but does allow students to fly the American Flag upside down under the flag of Mexico...etc and the American People (parents) let them get away with it instead of rising up and putting a stop to it before it's too late. Yesterday was the time to do it right...it can still be done today, but tomorrow may be too late...! :evil:

keith_r
07-08-2010, 07:56 AM
tell us how you really feel!

:o

badflash
07-08-2010, 07:56 AM
I knew you weren't JCO. I too am alarmed, but all is not lost! Lets try the ballot box, then we resort to the forgotton part of the Declaration of Independance:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.

If that fails, refer to the 2nd Ammendment:

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

badflash
07-08-2010, 07:57 AM
JCO-
You and I need to stop crapping on the joke thread!

JCO
07-08-2010, 08:55 AM
There once was an old lady from Kent
Whose nose was very badly bent
she followed it one day, so they say
and she hasn't been seen since. :o

There are a lot of people she should have taken with her....I know, I know...but I just couldn't help myself...besides...I didn't start it....Stucco did...I'm innocent I tell ya...innocent..! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:

stucco
07-13-2010, 06:57 PM
:)

stucco
10-08-2010, 07:11 PM
:shock:

stucco
10-08-2010, 07:13 PM
8-)

stucco
12-18-2010, 06:06 PM
https://www.americanchia.com/flare/next?rtag=chiaobama& just in case anyone needs a last minute Christmas present idea. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

davidstcldfl
12-22-2010, 01:44 PM
The Minnesota Song
This is a humorous country fable about escaping Minnesota winters.
Written and performed by Dan Adler.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62RwHHFuf14


I moved to FL 25 years ago, to get away from that crap. If you like living in it.....the only thing I can think to say, is the same thing the father in "That 70's Show" always called his son.... :lol:

Now, it's getting too cold in FL... :roll: ...but this video makes me feel better when I watch it on a cold day.. :P

head rush
12-26-2010, 11:22 AM
Okay... i'm in for one.... btw... today's my 50th

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
And every year Morris would say,
‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’
Esther always replied,
‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars’
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
‘Esther, I’m 85 years old.
If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’
To this, Esther replied,
‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.
I’m impressed!’
Morris replied,
‘Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

davidstcldfl
12-26-2010, 03:59 PM
:lol: ....good one headrush.

--------------------------------------

I’ve just heard from my friend Ole in central Minnesota.

He says it has been snowing heavily for three days now.

His wife Lena, has done nothing but stare through the window.

He says if it doesn't stop snowing soon, he’ll probably have to let her in.

head rush
12-27-2010, 02:49 AM
That was so funny davidstcldfl my ribs hurt... Just love those curve balls......

The Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?’ ‘Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soakin the bath tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs give him the good news and apologise. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN – DON’T YOU EVER STOP?

stucco
12-27-2010, 03:53 AM
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought, as he flew down I-75 pushing the pedal even more. But looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper's car behind him, blue and red lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 120. Suddenly he thought, what am I doing? I'm too old for this and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes, plus today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I have never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused and then answered. 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, sir;' replied the trooper.

stucco
12-27-2010, 03:55 AM
A man and his always, nagging wife took a vacation to the Holy Land.


While there, unfortunately, the wife passed away. Her poor husband was faced with the decision of transporting her remains back to the United States for $5000 versus burying her in the Holy Land for $150.00.


He chose to send her back for $5000. The undertaker asked him why he made that choice when it would have been so wonderful to have her buried in The Holy Land for only $150.00.

The man replied: "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance

head rush
12-27-2010, 09:24 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol:
If the wife is banging the front door with parcels to let her in and your dog is barking at the back door to let it in, Who do you let in first?

The dog !


Once it's in it shuts up !

head rush
01-03-2011, 03:59 AM
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”

Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

stucco
01-14-2011, 05:11 PM
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/80461194/ :)
the wunder boner

stucco
01-14-2011, 05:21 PM
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/65177/ 8-)

badflash
01-14-2011, 07:12 PM
Looks like it might work. I wonder what happened to it?


http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/80461194/ :)
the wunder boner

davidstcldfl
08-31-2011, 06:23 AM
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband returns home with 6 gallons of milk. Confused, his wife asked him, "Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

:lol: ...a good husband always does what his wife asks.... :lol:

Basil1
08-31-2011, 06:39 AM
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked..

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh.?! Kill any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked..
"How can you tell them apart?"


He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

urbanfarmer
08-31-2011, 07:51 AM
I wunder what happened to the wunder boner...?


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked..

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh.?! Kill any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked..
"How can you tell them apart?"


He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: WOW!

davidstcldfl
09-29-2011, 07:01 AM
You can't handle the truth !

http://i931.photobucket.com/albums/ad157/davidstcldfl/Totellthetruth.jpg


Father knows best...

http://i931.photobucket.com/albums/ad157/davidstcldfl/yourfatherdoestoo.jpg

urbanfarmer
09-29-2011, 07:35 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol: AHAHAHAHA, GOOD ONES DAVE!

Basil1
09-29-2011, 08:19 AM
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year, I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your
advice about where to go.

Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year, you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asked Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob replied, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

davidstcldfl
09-29-2011, 08:30 AM
:lol: @ Basil1

Basil1
09-29-2011, 08:38 AM
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.


But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy "

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry ."











__________________________________________________ _________

Oliver
09-29-2011, 09:36 AM
Thanks for that Basil1, you made my day and a few others who will get to hear it.

Oliver

davidstcldfl
09-30-2011, 06:41 AM
Me too...What Oliver said... :lol:

Basil1
09-30-2011, 12:43 PM
On a really hot day,
four nuns were assigned
to paint a room
in their church.


After sweating
for a few hours
in those black robes,
they decided to
take off all their clothes
and paint naked.

An hour later,
someone knocked
on the door
of the church.


"Who is it?"
they called out.
"I'm the blind man,"
came the reply.
The nuns decided
to let him in
since he wouldn't
be able to see them.
They opened the door
and led him to the room
they were painting.
They were surprised
when he walked around
the room
with no difficulty.

"Okay, sisters," he said,
"where do you want the blinds

Basil1
09-30-2011, 12:47 PM
The spoon


A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now...' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a stringhanging out of thewaiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Basil1
09-30-2011, 12:51 PM
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Sue..........Sue?"
"Is that you, George?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again!"
"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas ."

Basil1
10-01-2011, 03:31 PM
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one'




Father Murphy walks into a pub in Done gal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'


Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'


Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror

JCO
10-01-2011, 07:01 PM
You do know I'm Irish .... right? Then stop telling all our family secrets in public.. :shock: :o :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:

Basil1
10-02-2011, 05:09 AM
You do know I'm Irish .... right? Then stop telling all our family secrets in public.. :shock: :o :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:

An Irishman walks out of a bar.......it could happen!

urbanfarmer
10-02-2011, 10:28 AM
You do know I'm Irish .... right? Then stop telling all our family secrets in public.. :shock: :o :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:

An Irishman walks out of a bar.......it could happen!
:lol:

Basil1
10-04-2011, 03:05 PM
Ruger just announced a new pistol going on the market in honor of all Senators and Congressmen called "The Politician". It doesn't work and you can't fire it.

keith_r
10-04-2011, 03:08 PM
Ruger just announced a new pistol going on the market in honor of all Senators and Congressmen called "The Politician". It doesn't work and you can't fire it.
and it can be bought!

badflash
10-04-2011, 03:50 PM
But it doesn't stay bought!

keith_r
10-05-2011, 06:54 AM
bought over and over and over..

Basil1
10-05-2011, 07:50 AM
An old lady is sitting on her porch, sipping a glass a wine with her husband. She says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could live without you". Her husbands asks, " Is that you talking or the wine?"
"Me" she says, "talking to the wine"

Basil1
10-12-2011, 07:58 AM
Three women died together in an accident and went to heaven.
When they got there, St. Peter said,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!'

So they entered heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally stepped on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman stepped accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,

'I don't know about you,
but I stepped on a
Duck.

davidstcldfl
10-12-2011, 04:46 PM
:lol:

Basil1
10-20-2011, 02:28 PM
Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when
you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have
sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with
your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say
'Screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * This means you get Nun in
the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your
wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

bsfman
11-25-2011, 12:26 AM
The most interesting man in the world hires Al Gore to warm the air in his yard on chilly mornings.
Stay thirsty my friends!

Basil1
11-30-2011, 06:45 AM
I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart
problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends

urbanfarmer
11-30-2011, 07:00 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol:

commander
11-30-2011, 08:15 AM
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One fish turns to the other and says


DAM!

bsfman
12-02-2011, 04:12 PM
I was in the check-out line at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my three dogs, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT???

So on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

urbanfarmer
12-02-2011, 08:06 PM
I was in the check-out line at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my three dogs, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT???

So on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
:lol: :lol: :lol: OMG, you are a funny guy!

bsfman
12-02-2011, 09:00 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: OMG, you are a funny guy!

Well, sometimes I have my moments...

Basil1
12-21-2011, 07:41 AM
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the beltway outside Washington DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

urbanfarmer
12-21-2011, 12:53 PM
:lol:

bsfman
12-21-2011, 03:10 PM
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

I might be willing to donate a nearly full 55 gallon drum!

Basil1
12-22-2011, 02:37 PM
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had a few minor brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks, celebrating the season with some friends and probably had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret. Knowing full well that I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident,... which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not even sure where I got it from!

bsfman
12-22-2011, 05:08 PM
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.


This post made me spew beer out my nose! :lol:

davidstcldfl
12-23-2011, 04:35 AM
I'm passing this on because it worked for me. Today a Doctor on TV
said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we
all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

So I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle

of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a
box a chocletz.
U haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this
to all who need inner piss. An telum I luvum.


Hav a gweat day.................

bsfman
01-27-2012, 03:41 PM
This one is for all my fellow kayakers out there and fan's of the TV show "Deadliest Catch" - courtesy of the Ft Myers Beach " the Island Sand Paper"...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a man from Anchorage, Alaska answered his doorbell to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers standing there.

"We're very sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife" one of them said.

"Tell me! Tell me! Did you find her? Is she safe?" the man begged in reply.

The troopers glanced nervously at each other and one responded, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some REALLY good news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Cringing with anxiety, the man said, "Give me the bad news first!"

The trooper said, "Sir, we're very sorry to tell you this, but this morning we pulled your wife's body out of Kachemak Bay."

"Oh God! Oh no!" cried the man in total anguish. After a few moments when he had collected his composure a bit he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well sir, when we pulled her up, she has twelve 25 pound king crabs and half a dozen large Dungeness crabs clinging to her body, and we feel that at a minimum, you are entitled to a fair share of the catch."

Shocked and stunned, the man demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the REALLY good news?"

The trooper responded, "Well sir, we're planning to pull her up again tomorrow!"

bsfman
03-10-2012, 07:24 PM
The incurable optimist and the incurable pessimist are sitting at the bar having a few beers and some lively conversation. The pessimist leans over and says to the optimist, "Your problem is that you view the world through rose colored glasses. You have nothing bad to say about anything or anybody no matter how evil they might be!"

The optimist replies, "Well, I view it as a blessing that I can find something good in every thing and every body - no matter how bad they might appear to the average person."

The pessimist challenges the optimist saying, "I can name something there is no WAY you can find anything good to say about!"

"Go for it dude!", the optimist replies.

Grinning snidely, the pessimist responds, "Pedophiles! I defy you to find anything good to say about pedophiles!"

The optimist immediately replies, "Well, even YOU have to admit that they are really really good about driving slow when they pass through school zones!"

bsfman
10-18-2012, 02:32 PM
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

Basil1
10-25-2012, 06:26 AM
A liberal a moderate and a conservative walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Mitt".

Roger R.
11-03-2012, 08:02 PM
A liberal a moderate and a conservative walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Mitt".

Equal time?

A communist, a Muslim and an illegal alien walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘What will it be President Obama?’”

Basil1
11-04-2012, 05:36 AM
A liberal a moderate and a conservative walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Mitt".

Equal time?

A communist, a Muslim and an illegal alien walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘What will it be President Obama?’”

But jokes are funnier when they are true, not just the products of someone's fevered imagination.

Roger R.
11-04-2012, 06:02 AM
A liberal a moderate and a conservative walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Mitt".

Equal time?

A communist, a Muslim and an illegal alien walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘What will it be President Obama?’”

But jokes are funnier when they are true, not just the products of someone's fevered imagination.

Or if they are so wild that you know they can't be true.

David - WI
11-05-2012, 09:06 AM
I was in a tavern the other night and there were two heavy-set women with very strong accents sitting at the table next to me; so I started up a conversation. (http://www.advancecarmover.com)

I said, "Excuse me, but are you two ladies from London by any chance?"

One of them became extremely irate and shrieked, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

I immediately apologized and restated my question - "I'm very sorry, are you two whales from London by any chance?"

That's the last thing I remember.

bsfman
02-03-2013, 05:42 AM
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

urbanfarmer
02-03-2013, 05:59 AM
BOOM! NOW THAT WAS A GOOD ONE! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Basil1
02-03-2013, 06:52 AM
Seamus and Micky are walking thru the forest when they see a sign, TREE FELLERS WANTED. Seamus turns to Micky and says, "it's too bad Paddy wasn't wit us, we could a ha' that job.

davidstcldfl
02-03-2013, 10:36 AM
:? .. :roll: ...Basil, I had to think about that one for a few moments... :)

Basil1
02-06-2013, 09:37 AM
McGuire dashes into the local pub out of breath and hollers to the barkeeper, "Quick, set me up with five shots of Jameson!"
The barkeeper hurries and sets down five shots in front of McGuire.
McGuire quickly downs one, two, three and four when the bar guy says, "Hey lad, you shouldn't fire those down so fast. That's good sippin' whiskey!"
McGuire replies back, "You'd down them just as fast if you had what I have!"
"My God man, what is it you have?"
McGuire, quickly downing the fifth shot, says, "45 cents."

davidstcldfl
02-07-2013, 04:07 AM
http://i931.photobucket.com/albums/ad157/davidstcldfl/377712_10151307358312993_844900518_n_zps221e4d29.j pg

Basil1
02-07-2013, 07:25 AM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-feed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma',
But I'm glad I came.

bsfman
03-07-2013, 02:38 PM
An old, blind biker wanders into an all-girl bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair that you should know five things about this bar:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a black-belt.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 180-pound blonde woman with PMS.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde body-builder, jacked up on steroids.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, dude. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind biker thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times..

davidstcldfl
06-30-2013, 12:51 PM
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

Aloha Don
07-02-2013, 08:48 PM
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.

bsfman
07-15-2013, 06:31 AM
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

15mules
07-15-2013, 02:36 PM
A little girl was sitting in her seat on an airplane, reading her book. The man next to her ask if she would like to talk? The little girl looks over and says, "Ok, what would you like to talk about?". The man smiles and says, "Well, you see I am an atheist! lets talk about why there is no such thing as heaven or hell and no such thing as God". The little girl says, "Ok, but can I ask you a question first?". Sure the man says. "Ok, well, deer, cows and horses all eat the same thing, grass!, so why do deer poop little pellets, and cows poop solid piles, and horses poop clumps?" The man pauses for a minute, surprised by her question and then he says, "I really do not know". To which the little girl replied "Do you really think you are qualified to talk about such things as whether there is a heaven or hell, or if God really exist, when you obviously don't know sh*t?" The little girl then went back to reading her book.

JCO
07-15-2013, 11:11 PM
Speaking of Sh*t....How many of you actually know "Sh*t from Shinola"? :mrgreen:

15mules
07-19-2013, 04:33 PM
Ok, We been having an interesting conversation about Duckweed in one of the other forums and it reminded me of a joke I once heard.

The old farmer was out tending his cattle one day, when a traveling salesman pulled up in his horse and buggy. He called to the farmer and proceeded to tell him he had some revolutionary information that would benefit him greatly. He said for only $5.00 he would sell him his special recipe for how to feed cheap sawdust to cattle and they would stay healthy and fat. The farmer having dealt with salesmen before was a little suspicious, but he was interested none the less. The farmer said, "I see your horse there is slobbering all over his bit and bridle, I could tell you how to stop that". This got the salesman's attention, so the salesman said, "I tell you what, you tell me how to keep my horse from slobbering and I will trade you strait up for my sawdust feed recipe". They stuck a deal, but neither having trust in the other agreed they would both write the information on paper and exchange papers. They traded papers, shook hands and went their separate ways.
The farmer walked back to his house and opened his paper which said " mix sawdust with corn, the more corn the better"
The salesman got out of site of the farmers house and stopped to read his paper which said "Teach him to spit"

JCO
07-19-2013, 06:40 PM
What's that got to do with "Shinola" If none of you out there know what it is, that would lead me to believe you also don't know "Sh*t"? :mrgreen:

15mules
07-20-2013, 05:55 AM
The problem is it does not work too good on todays multi-colored tennis shoes. The fact is either one would probably an improvement, with what I see kids wearing today.

Roger L.
07-20-2013, 06:01 AM
All us old guys made our allowance, all $.25 of it fixing up the Sunday got to church shoes for all the family.

Roger L.
07-21-2013, 07:13 PM
A man and his wife are laying in bed watching "Do you want to be a Millionaire" when the man rolls over to the wife and ask - do you want to have sex?

Without so much as a look in his direction she replies - no!

In keeping with the shows theme he asks his wife - is that your final answer?

Her response is a firm and irritated - yes!

Feeling ignored the husband, again staying with the theme of the show, says - then can I phone a friend?

That's when the fight started! :o

15mules
07-21-2013, 07:29 PM
I wonder if he was going to call WANDA :?: :lol: :lol:

Aloha Don
07-22-2013, 10:15 AM
A redhead told her blonde step-sister, "I slept with a Brazilian."
The blonde replies, "Oh my god!! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

15mules
07-22-2013, 03:57 PM
You know you have been spending too much time working on your AP system??? :?: :?: ;)

15mules
07-22-2013, 03:58 PM
When You know your fish by name. :oops: :lol:

15mules
07-22-2013, 04:00 PM
When you can tell the difference between a boy scud and a girl scud. :lol: :lol:

JCO
07-22-2013, 09:37 PM
She the one in the skirt :lol: :mrgreen:

15mules
07-23-2013, 02:45 PM
If you are making little skirts for your scuds, you are definitely spending too much time with your AP system :lol:

15mules
07-23-2013, 04:51 PM
When you find yourself sharing more pictures of your plants than your family :oops: :lol:
you may be spending too much time with your AP system.



I know what some of you are thinking about now. :?:

Wait, :? What, :? Plants are family??? :shock: :shock: :(

Aloha Don
07-24-2013, 11:24 AM
If you visit and talk to your plants before you talk to your family,
you may be spending too much time with your AP system...
(feeling guilty)

Aloha Don
07-24-2013, 07:04 PM
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."
Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"
The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.
He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"
:lol: :lol: :lol:

eddiemigue
07-24-2013, 10:09 PM
You do know I'm Irish .... right? Then stop telling all our family secrets in public.. :shock: :o :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:


I thought you were a"natural born American" - sorry, couldn't help myself. Thought that was amusing, but don't want to derail the joke thread. There have been some gems posted. Thanks for all the laughs all.

JCO
07-25-2013, 12:13 AM
Yep, born in Missouri to Irish and Cherokee parents, however, and not being racist but if every black person in America can somehow be an African, then I can be Irish if I want to. :shock: :o :mrgreen:

Aloha Don
07-30-2013, 09:33 AM
A married couple went to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new hightech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father, without the need for any physical connection. He asked if they were interested, both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

...When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

JCO
07-30-2013, 12:13 PM
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom.

The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy:
TEACHER : Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY : Yes.

TEACHER : Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY : Yes.

TEACHER : Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY : Okay. (He returned a minute later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER : Did you see God?

TOMMY : No.

TEACHER : That's my point.
We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy :
LITTLE GIRL : Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY : Yes.

LITTLE GIRL : Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY : Yesssssssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).

LITTLE GIRL : Did you see the sky?

TOMMY : Yessssssssss.

LITTLE GIRL : Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY : Yes.

LITTLE GIRL : Do you see her brain?

TOMMY : No.

LITTLE GIRL : Then, according to what we were taught in school today...
she must not have one!!

bsfman
08-08-2013, 02:16 PM
Why I am Divorced.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...... well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my attractive boss, Stephanie, said,
'Good Morning!
and by the way
Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Stephanie knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me....'

I said, 'Thanks, Stephanie,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Stephanie said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day...
we don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her house,
Stephanie turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ....
followed by my wife
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....


On the couch......




Naked.

dead_sled
08-09-2013, 09:45 AM
Ouch! :oops:

Aloha Don
08-09-2013, 01:16 PM
How could you explain your way out of that one....

bsfman
08-09-2013, 01:28 PM
How could you explain your way out of that one....

I doubt that saying he was just trying to "get in good" with the boss would work.

eddiemigue
08-09-2013, 02:11 PM
Bsfman, thanks for the laugh. That was excellent. Love the pauses in writing to get the timing right. Nicely done.

JCO
08-09-2013, 02:37 PM
There was a single mom with two little boys and she was determined to raise them up as respectable children. The oldest was Johnny who was in the 4th grade and the younger son was Timmy who was in the 2nd.

Johnny fell in with a group of nair-do-wells at school who were always in trouble and used vulgar language continuously.

Naturally Johnny instantly picked up the foul language in order to fit in with his new friends and that landed him in trouble with the teachers who started sending notes home to his mother about his vulgar language in class.

His mother tried talking to Johnny about the problem for about 2 weeks and finally one afternoon he brought home another note from a teacher complaining about his vulgar language.

This was the straw that broke the Camels back and Johnny's mother took him in the bathroom and read him the teacher's note. She then told him that the very next time she heard a vulgar word come out of his mouth there would be the piper to pay.

Next morning Johnny and his little brother came to the table for breakfast and the mother looked at Johnny and asked "What would you like for breakfast this morning Johnny?"

Johnny's quick reply was "I'd like some Fu*kin' Cornflakes!"

Johnny had barely gotten those words out of his mouth when his Mother's backhand caught him up the side of his head and "BAM", he went clean away from the table and up against the wall.

Without so much as a second look at Johnny, the mother turned to Timmy and asked, "What would you like for breakfast Timmy?"

Timmy looked at his mother and then glanced over at his brother who was still trying to figure out what had just happened and then he looked back at his mother.

With a somewhat confused and strained looked on his face Timmy said,

"Well......


I hadn't really thought tooooooo much about it yet....


buuuht.....



I sure as hell don't want no Fu*kin' Cornflakes!" :mrgreen:

Aloha Don
08-28-2013, 08:27 PM
A little, silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He then takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." with a deep sigh, "let's put all of the corn flakes back in the box."

Roger L.
09-27-2013, 09:20 AM
JCO, is this a friend of yours?

JCO
09-27-2013, 06:32 PM
They both look familiar... :lol: :mrgreen:

bsfman
11-12-2013, 07:59 AM
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 47, "the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's... and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you.

"While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.

"They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast.

He gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,"Okay, okay,...how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's!

JCO
11-14-2013, 12:12 PM
Just goes to show that a good listener doesn't have to be a mind reader :mrgreen:

Aloha Don
11-14-2013, 05:34 PM
Not exactly....It shows that being a good listener (eavesdropper) pays off by the handfull :lol: :D

bsfman
11-14-2013, 08:49 PM
Not exactly....It shows that being a good listener (eavesdropper) pays off by the handfull :lol: :D



Hahaha! Well said, Aloha Dan! :lol:

davidstcldfl
09-15-2014, 05:22 AM
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

JCO
09-15-2014, 06:01 AM
Nice one David. It's great to see a new joke on here because it's been almost a year since we have had a good laugh. :mrgreen:

davidstcldfl
10-02-2014, 03:40 PM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

JCO
10-02-2014, 09:40 PM
I'm confused.....just where do you put them to ride a bike? :shock: :o :mrgreen:

Roger L.
10-03-2014, 08:21 AM
In your case JCO, I guess they're for rear support.

:twisted: :lol: :twisted:

JCO
10-03-2014, 12:25 PM
SOOoooooo.....they are like shocks for making the ride smoother? :mrgreen:

davidstcldfl
10-04-2014, 06:39 AM
SOOoooooo.....they are like shocks for making the ride smoother? :mrgreen:


:lol:

Aloha Don
12-18-2014, 11:37 AM
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."